Dear Friend, (12/12/08)

Hey, it's me again.

Last time, I wasn't so nice. I was very accusatory, and for that I am sorry. i didn't mean to sound so selfish, so rude. I've humbled myself and come before you to ask you for your forgiveness.

Lately I've been thinking... It's coming, isn't it? And soon too. It's not just "in the future" anymore, it's upon us; It's coming. I'm scared. I haven't had time to prepare myself. Well, no, that's a lie, I have, but I took that time and I stomped on it; I screwed it up, and I haven't had time to fix it. Please do believe me when I say that I want to fix it really badly. I need to know everything is really okay between us. And I know that it can be if I work at it, and I really trying, believe me! I miss having you in my life. I really do.

I had a really scary dream. About losing Spencer... kind of. In the dream, he was leaving for him mission. Now, before you get all up in my business saying I'm being selfish and all again, just hear me out. It was different this time. I really was there to support him, and I really was so excited about him going. I had come to terms with it. But in the dream, I was sitting there at his farewell enjoying his talk and all of a sudden a really horrid feeling came over me. I don't know quite how to describe it. It just... tore a hole right through me, as if with acid, so the burning ate at me. I couldn't ignore it, but I was scared to confront Spencer about it because I didn't want him to think I was trying to convince him to stay or anything else that would upset him. I guess I just figured maybe it was just me coming to the full realization that I was losing him and being really selfish about it. I don't know, but regardless, I did ignore it and I didn't tell anyone about it. So then time sped by to when I was saying my goodbyes to him, and when I did, I got that awful feeling again. And this time it was worse (if that is even possible). Again, I decided it was probably best to just ignore it. So he left. And he wrote me from the MTC, and were e-mailed. He wrote me when he got to Japan, and everything was fine. I was finally reassured that this was the best thing and that I was glad I let it happen peacefully. But then the letters stopped. I didn't hear from him for a month. Me, being the worrier that I am, started panicking. That terrible feeling resurfaced. I drove up to his house and spoke with him mom and she said they hadn't heard from him either. We tried contacting anyone who might have seen him, or heard from him. But no one had. We decided to take matters into our own hands and we flew to Japan to find him. The feeling got worse; I was becoming physically ill. We got to Japan and still couldn't find him. We searched everywhere possible; we asked everyone there was to ask. No one knew where he had gone to. Then I woke up -- with tears in my eyes, and a cold sweat on my brow.

I talked with Camille and Taylor briefly, and Camille referenced a dream she had that same night about the second coming. Taylor seemed to think the two were connected and that Spencer had been "called home" to fight. I'm starting to believe it. I don't want to, but I do. I believe there is something more to this dream that I'm not seeing, something I'm supposed to see or learn. The only thing I absolutely don't get is the bad feeling. I didn't think I would feel such a powerfully evil feeling about a mission, EVER. So I don't quite understand. Do you think you could shed some light on the topic? I mean, of course you aren't going to tell me everything you know, but could you help me to understand? Please? Just so I stop panicking? I really need some peace of mind so I can rest.

Please?
Erika.