Dear Friend, (11/24/08)

I'm not happy right now. Not at all. You're taking more people away from me now. Okay, so this isn't the same. He won't be gone forever, he's coming back. But still.

I know if I were talking to you in person you would say that you needed him more than me, and that I shouldn't be so selfish. But I'm not so sure you need him more than I do. I think I need him. In fact I need him more than I ever have. I've discovered I love him. And now that I've discovered this, I want to be with him. No, I need to be with him. But of course now that he knows he's leaving, he's closed himself off to any kind of a relationship. He does have feelings for me, though. He just refuses to let them surface. That's what he said anyway. He's so set on going.

I don't want to tell him that I don't want him to go. That would be a lie, I really DO want him to go. I just don't want him to right now. I wish it were in a few months, not just on short one. I wish he could take me to my last Prom, and watch me graduate. I wish we could hold hands in the park, go for a picnic. Experience life. But he's leaving. And sure we'll have moments together when he's back, but some moments are irreplaceable. And he's going to miss those. At least I can share them with his family.

Another thing I wanted to talk to you about. Thank you for guiding me to him and his family. I genuinely love every single one of them. Even those I have yet to meet. I hope that when he leaves I'll stay close to his family. They are amazing people and I feel really connected to them in a really strange way. I feel like they are my family and that I should just spend every moment with them I can. I want to be a part of it. I want to be with him.

I'm nuts. And I'm selfish. And jumping to conclusions. I just need someone to hold me, and he won't. He can't.

Goodnight,
Erika