Dear Friend, (7/30/10)

My last attempt to reach out to you was a joke, a half-assed attempt. I'm sorry. It'll take me a bit to get back into the swing of things.

I'm sitting here crying.

Why?

Because I'm sick of pretending that I don't want to be cared about. And I'm sick of pretending that I'm not as messed up as I really am.


I would like to be able to scream at you, "You did this to me! This is YOUR fault!"


But it's not.

Whose fault is it then?
Mine?




Is this all just a waste of time an energy?


Too many questions,
and not enough answers.


"Oh my dear, I can feel you here
Oh my dear, I can feel you everywhere."


Goodbye, I guess--
Erika

Dear Friend, (7/30/10)

I miss him already.




And how is this fair?!

-
Erika.

Dear Friend, (10/14/09)

Dear Friend,

Why is there so much hate in the world? Couldn't we all coexist peacefully? Isn't that a possibility? Shouldn't it be a probability?

Should people who are wronged really have to dig through piles and piles of legislation just to fight for the justice they deserved in the first place?

Should the world even been able to turn with how much hate hangs heavily in the air? Shouldn't the world collapse under the weight and pressure of so many heavy words, accusations, and hearts?

Why can't we just love everyone unconditionally? Or at least leave them be and coexist peacefully.

Why?

Confused,
Erika.

Dear Friend, (6/29/09)

I don't know if I believe in you.



-Erika

Dear Friend, (12/12/08)

Hey, it's me again.

Last time, I wasn't so nice. I was very accusatory, and for that I am sorry. i didn't mean to sound so selfish, so rude. I've humbled myself and come before you to ask you for your forgiveness.

Lately I've been thinking... It's coming, isn't it? And soon too. It's not just "in the future" anymore, it's upon us; It's coming. I'm scared. I haven't had time to prepare myself. Well, no, that's a lie, I have, but I took that time and I stomped on it; I screwed it up, and I haven't had time to fix it. Please do believe me when I say that I want to fix it really badly. I need to know everything is really okay between us. And I know that it can be if I work at it, and I really trying, believe me! I miss having you in my life. I really do.

I had a really scary dream. About losing Spencer... kind of. In the dream, he was leaving for him mission. Now, before you get all up in my business saying I'm being selfish and all again, just hear me out. It was different this time. I really was there to support him, and I really was so excited about him going. I had come to terms with it. But in the dream, I was sitting there at his farewell enjoying his talk and all of a sudden a really horrid feeling came over me. I don't know quite how to describe it. It just... tore a hole right through me, as if with acid, so the burning ate at me. I couldn't ignore it, but I was scared to confront Spencer about it because I didn't want him to think I was trying to convince him to stay or anything else that would upset him. I guess I just figured maybe it was just me coming to the full realization that I was losing him and being really selfish about it. I don't know, but regardless, I did ignore it and I didn't tell anyone about it. So then time sped by to when I was saying my goodbyes to him, and when I did, I got that awful feeling again. And this time it was worse (if that is even possible). Again, I decided it was probably best to just ignore it. So he left. And he wrote me from the MTC, and were e-mailed. He wrote me when he got to Japan, and everything was fine. I was finally reassured that this was the best thing and that I was glad I let it happen peacefully. But then the letters stopped. I didn't hear from him for a month. Me, being the worrier that I am, started panicking. That terrible feeling resurfaced. I drove up to his house and spoke with him mom and she said they hadn't heard from him either. We tried contacting anyone who might have seen him, or heard from him. But no one had. We decided to take matters into our own hands and we flew to Japan to find him. The feeling got worse; I was becoming physically ill. We got to Japan and still couldn't find him. We searched everywhere possible; we asked everyone there was to ask. No one knew where he had gone to. Then I woke up -- with tears in my eyes, and a cold sweat on my brow.

I talked with Camille and Taylor briefly, and Camille referenced a dream she had that same night about the second coming. Taylor seemed to think the two were connected and that Spencer had been "called home" to fight. I'm starting to believe it. I don't want to, but I do. I believe there is something more to this dream that I'm not seeing, something I'm supposed to see or learn. The only thing I absolutely don't get is the bad feeling. I didn't think I would feel such a powerfully evil feeling about a mission, EVER. So I don't quite understand. Do you think you could shed some light on the topic? I mean, of course you aren't going to tell me everything you know, but could you help me to understand? Please? Just so I stop panicking? I really need some peace of mind so I can rest.

Please?
Erika.

Dear Friend, (11/24/08)

I'm not happy right now. Not at all. You're taking more people away from me now. Okay, so this isn't the same. He won't be gone forever, he's coming back. But still.

I know if I were talking to you in person you would say that you needed him more than me, and that I shouldn't be so selfish. But I'm not so sure you need him more than I do. I think I need him. In fact I need him more than I ever have. I've discovered I love him. And now that I've discovered this, I want to be with him. No, I need to be with him. But of course now that he knows he's leaving, he's closed himself off to any kind of a relationship. He does have feelings for me, though. He just refuses to let them surface. That's what he said anyway. He's so set on going.

I don't want to tell him that I don't want him to go. That would be a lie, I really DO want him to go. I just don't want him to right now. I wish it were in a few months, not just on short one. I wish he could take me to my last Prom, and watch me graduate. I wish we could hold hands in the park, go for a picnic. Experience life. But he's leaving. And sure we'll have moments together when he's back, but some moments are irreplaceable. And he's going to miss those. At least I can share them with his family.

Another thing I wanted to talk to you about. Thank you for guiding me to him and his family. I genuinely love every single one of them. Even those I have yet to meet. I hope that when he leaves I'll stay close to his family. They are amazing people and I feel really connected to them in a really strange way. I feel like they are my family and that I should just spend every moment with them I can. I want to be a part of it. I want to be with him.

I'm nuts. And I'm selfish. And jumping to conclusions. I just need someone to hold me, and he won't. He can't.

Goodnight,
Erika

Dear Friend, (11/12/08)

Hey,

I know it's been a while. I'm sorry. I really am. I forget sometimes, and I need reminders. Tonight I got one: Harrison said I should come to you. This is the only way I know how. Don't worry, I am slowly working on it. I'd like to be able to the right way, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Eventually I will be.

A lot has changed since I last wrote. Emotions have come and gone, some came to stay. I had a brief stint where I liked Braeden, but that turned out to be weird. I shall like him no more. It's probably for the best anyway. That was going nowhere, fast. But I've also discovered I am having a not-so-brief stint liking someone else. I don't know how to handle it. I like him way to much for how well and how long I've known him. It isn't right, yet it feels right. At least it does when it's just me and him. The trouble is, he's got a girlfriend. Yeah, I know: leave him be. And believe me, if I thought he was truly happy with her, I would. But he's not. She's constantly the cause of his unhappiness and worrisome countenace. I don't like seeming him like that. It makes me wish there was something I could do to make him happy.

Along those same lines, I am getting weirdly confusing mixed signals from him. He'll flirt with me, I swear! He'll find a way to touch my leg, or my waist. When we're sitting at a table, he's "accidently" touching my leg or foot, or anything. We'll talk about her, and he'll admit to loving her, but five seconds later, he'll say that people can fall in and out of love. He tells me that two people must agree on certain issues to be able to be together, then he'll ask me my views on such issues. Not only that, but we agree on them.

I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel. Maybe not to the extent of which I feel it, but he knows something is going on. And he still acts the same. I don't understand him, but i desperately want to.

I don't know what to do.

Help.

-Erika

Dear Friend, (10/7/08)

You took her from me.




How dare you.

-Erika

Dear Friend, (9/27/08)

Hi, it's me again. Joy, right? Riiiiight. I'm sure you have better things to do than be annoyed by my persistent nagging. But you're stuck with me.

Today was long and hard. School sucked and then my brother's girlfriend went into labor, which was awesome! But then my mom and dad decide to go to California straight away to be with her, my brother and the baby. So they called me and wanted me to ask my little sister if she wanted to go, and of course she did. So they all left me here - alone. What a peculiar feeling -- being alone. I seem quite accustomed to it lately. Anyway, so that happened and the school day finished itself out and I find out I have to stay after to help work the competition monologues. And to think nobody even asked me if i would be willing to help... they just assumed. So I deal with that frustration. I just wish I could shake some sense into some of them. Like, acting is really not that hard. Maybe I just think that because it comes to me so naturally, but it really isn't. If you can feel emotion and speak, you can act. I don't know why that though doesn't transfer well in some people. But in all the monologue I really felt like we jumped across huge barriers, until the performance time came later that evening. For the most part, all the hard work went to waste, and most of them just fell back into the patterns they had before. Talk about frustration. After all that hard work. Yeah... So as I said, the Renaissance Feaste happened and then I went to Taylors house to watch a movie with her, Camille, and Ben. Then I came home.

It is now, as I sit here in my room, that I feel completely alone. As if even you aren't here. I want someone to share intimate secrets and moments with. I want a companion to rely on. A friend of whom I love with every part of me in every way I can. Someone to trust wholeheartedly. I want that and I feel as if I'll never get it.

Sigh, what's wrong with me? I shouldn't be caught up in all this. I'm too young.

Goodnight,
Erika

Dear Friend, (9/20/08)

I'm having a really hard time talking to you. This is the only way I can even begin to talk, so I figure even though it isn't the best, it's better than nothing. I know I need to start talking to you again, but I find myself not being able to. I don't know if its because I think you'll tell me something I don't want to hear, or if its because you know everything about me, and I couldn't hide anything from you even if I tried. Either way, I can't for now, so this will suffice.

I had a pretty good day today. School didn't last long, which is definitely a good thing. But not in that snotty, "I'm a teenager and have better things to do than further my education" way. I just feel so trapped there. Like the drama and the problems there are so menial and unimportant. For a while, I'm not going to lie, I lived for it. But then I met Jeremy and Devon. They have been showing me all the many things I could do with my time, my life. I could learn to juggle(in the process) or do parkour. I could read all the books in the library or lean to speak Chinese. There are so many things i could do with the time that high school takes up. I just wish that I was out, done. That I could begin the next chapter in my life. I may be wrong, but I feel as if I'm ready, and the only thing holding me back is high school. For instance, I really want to get going on my higher education. And I want to start meeting honest, worthy young men -- potential husbands. I know I'm so young to start thinking about that, but if I start now, then when I'm actually ready for it I'll have all these great guys I've surrounded myself with that there is no doubt whether I'll find someone worthy to take me to the temple. I want to begin to surround myself with people worthy of my time. You know? I think that has been one of my big problems. I spend time with the people who use and abuse me, who treat me like I don't matter, like I'm just another person they stepped on to reach the top. I'm finding my friend pool a little shallow. Which, don't get me wrong, is fine for now. I don't need a million friends, I've been on my own for practically my whole life, I'll do just fine. But, I guess mainly its just that I feel like I'm losing the one best friend I thought I still had. I thought that no matter what She would always be my best friend, that I could always turn to her when I needed her. But this week I really needed her, and she wasn't around. She so worried about other things in her life, and she doesn't really have much time for my pitiful worries and doubts. She was the good influence I had left in my life, and now I feel as if it's slowly slipping away. I don't want to lose her, she's a great girl, but I don't know what to do to keep her around. She's making her choices and I'm making mine, and they just don't happen to be winding down the same path. It worries me.

Despite all this, today was still good. Like I said before my tangent, school got out early, and I came home and rested. I needed some rest; I've just been burning myself into the ground. Then I watched some Veronica Mars and that was pretty awesome -- I really love that show. I know, I know, I should have spent it reading Module 3 for LIB 1010, or finishing up my 1050 assignment, or planning Boo-Acahn. But i just wanted a day for myself. And so I had a day for myself. Then I went to Devon's house and messed around with juggling and stick-twirling(?). Haha, it was pretty fun. His little sister is spunky; I like her. Then Preston came and like five minutes later I had to leave to get home to go to dinner. Which is a bummer, I really wanted to hand out with Devon and Preston more, but I wanted to spend time with my family. So I came home and we went out to Ruby River Steak House and ate. It was so delicious. =] Our waiter was really awkward, but probably the nicest guy ever. Then we went to see what movies were playing the theatres, but like always there weren't any good ones, so we went to rent some. We then came home and I got a phone call from Cole. It was really good to chat with him for a little bit; I really miss him. It wasn't for very long though, he had to run off and do something or other. So then we sat down to watch one of the movies we rented. And now here I am, holed up in my room typing away. (And if devon happens to read this, I really think the spinning helped my typing! ; ) Haha.)

I think I'll close for now. This has been a huge step for me. I'm really glad I had this idea, though it was sort of inspired by a friend. Nonetheless, I'm glad I did it, whosever idea it was.

So for now, good night and thank you for being with me always,
Erika